walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
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Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
dutch so unserious
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”