How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
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Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.