Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
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Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.