My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
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It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….