[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
You Might Also Like
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume