me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
You Might Also Like
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
look at me when i’m typing to you
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge