Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
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Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Whoa 😂
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.