*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
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Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
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Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
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