Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
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Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours