Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
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“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way