Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
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I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
I put the p in pants.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
We like the way Dwight thinks
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David