in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
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*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Oops
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
yeet
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.