Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
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I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet