My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
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Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
asking santa clause for nudes
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant