My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
You Might Also Like
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her