*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
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2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”