*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
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Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.