The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
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Bike is short for Bichael.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Saturday
Encore…
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland