Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
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[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
[eulogy]
line?
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
wait.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you