Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
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There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.