*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
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She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Boating season is upon us.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
who wants to go expliring
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites