DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
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My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”