Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
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Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
road rage
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
How it started How it’s going
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.