I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
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I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.