By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
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Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name