I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
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11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again