as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
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1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.