I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
You Might Also Like
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Note to self: I am a note
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.