If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
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MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.