Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
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The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
How is it still this week?
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.