Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
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Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
“Huge”.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.