I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
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[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
I miss this era type of pranks😭
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.