My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
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Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Love is always patient and kind.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.