If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
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*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.