“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
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I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
If looks could kill
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun