Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
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Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan