i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
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True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Autocarrot sucks!
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.