Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
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Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him