Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
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Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
tell em, edith-anne
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
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when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?