Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
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I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.