Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
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Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
I feel this so hard
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.