The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
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You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Her: I like a man who鈥檚 environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don鈥檛 have a pair that鈥檒l do both.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you鈥檙e having an exitstencil crisis?
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHR脰DINGER: give me both at the same time
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
I texted my husband about all the sex I鈥檓 expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she鈥檚 already made other plans that day.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it鈥檚 not even dark yet.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don鈥檛 know the power of a mother鈥檚 love okay
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it鈥檚 funny when we see people鈥檚 eyes glaze over.