me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
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haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
A short story about romance.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
forgive me baja for i have blast
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH