Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
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it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Never mess with a drunken pig.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.