I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
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DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Good morning.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
the last thing a carrot sees
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Happy Febuary everyone!
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever