I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
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Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?