HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
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[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
These aren’t even hard anymore.