Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
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Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Watson was Holmes schooled
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!