sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
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“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ