I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
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Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Duck typos.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.